Passover

 I was going to wait till tomorrow to post this--because I know, four posts in one day--but I could not wait any longer to write about Passover: the biggest combination moment of my religious and gender journeys.  Additionally, I knew I had the time to sit down and create this post now, and I wanted to tread carefully with this one.

Passover begins tomorrow evening at sundown.  It's a momentous eight-day festival commemorating the Exodus from Egypt and our beginnings as a Jewish people.  (Don't get me started on whether Biblical stories are factually accurate.  363 days a year, no.  The seder evenings beginning Passover, ritual magic happens: for those evenings, yes, it's real.)  We begin the festival with two sedarim, singular seder: ritual feasts with an order of steps to recreate the Exodus narrative.  For days before Passover, we are cooking, cleaning, and buying food; on Passover, for the entire eight days, we do not eat any leavening.

Passover also marks the beginnings of my freedom in my gender.  The day before Passover is the Hebrew anniversary of my realizing I am nonbinary (gender fluidity is a subtype of nonbinary identity); a Passover seder was my first Jewish event as a nonbinary individual.  I owe a lot to the synagogue I was attending at the time, and with whom I celebrated that Passover seder.  They are an LGBTQ congregation, and without them I would not be standing on my own two feet as the Jew I am today.

Each Passover since has been special, and different from the one before, as my understanding of my gender and how I wish to express it evolves.  This year I am really enjoying exploring and welcoming my feminine side; most likely I will wear fancy dresses, with jewelry, both nights.  And yes, Gabriel who wears dresses is startling to some, and I commonly get people thinking they must have misheard my name when I introduce myself; and no, I really do not care.  My gender expression is about me.

I know God welcomes me in all of my complexities; I know God created me, gender fluidity and all.  Not that this was at all an easy conclusion to come to; there have been moments in the past few years when I all but lost my Judaism as I grappled with being religious and gender fluid.

I look forward to celebrating my Jewish and gender freedom with God.

Kippot

 I am intensely, intensely proud of my collection of kippot, or yarmulkes; at last count I had 77.  These come from all sources: designer kippot by Emanuel, freebie kippot from B'nei (plural of Bar/Bat) Mitzvah, and others.  Pictures below, vaguely sorted by color.

Starting off with my "business kippot," of which there were enough to necessitate multiple photos.  By "business kippot," I mean the ones I consider small enough to look professional in a work setting.  Wearing a kippah to work is risky enough (though necessary to who I am, as a Jew and as a person); I consider it necessary to wear a smaller size.

This photo shows eight hand crocheted for me as Hanukkah gifts one year for a dear college friend: no longer in touch, but I treasure her gift.  Of these eight, top row, second from the left is my favorite.

And these are professionally crocheted, otherwise known as kippot srugot! Each of these seven tells a story: bottom left is Bi pride, top left gay pride, bought from Etsy as I discovered my identity.  (Bi+, gender fluid.)  top, second from the left, was handmade by my first city friend to my color specifications; bottom, second from the left was from an extremely swanky Bar Mitzvah.  (Bar/Bat Mitzvah kippot are not normally this fancy and expensive.)  Third column, top, was purchased in Israel, on my class trip in 2009: loved it as a tourist, there's no place for a Jew like me there.  Third column, bottom, and far right were my first two kippot ever, given to me by my father.

These are my suede collection, all freebies from this or that!

Left most column, top to bottom: my own Bat Mitzvah (I do consider it a Bat Mitzvah, for the girl I identified as then, although I am now gender fluid), Bar Mitzvah my Grandma attended, Bar Mitzvah at my current synagogue.

Second column: high school graduation, college roommate's wedding, my own Bat Mitzvah.  (See above.)

Third column: Bar Mitzvah at my current synagogue (My first as a congregant there!), two B'nei Mitzvah attended elsewhere.

And the last: Bat Mitzvah attended elsewhere.

These are my "fun print" "business size," all bought on Etsy.  We have: cacti, mermaids, penguins, legit Army uniform, subway map.

These are my remaining two "business size," that didn't fit anywhere else.  The left came with my Bat Mitzvah tallis, or prayer shawl; the right is a larger size suede.

And PINK!

Top left crocheted for me, to my color specifications, by first city friend.  Middle and bottom left are from B'not Mitzvah.

Second column are both embroidered silk by Emanuel, my favorite style when I am feeling feminine/female.

Far right are both B'not Mitzvah freebies, "beanies" as my father calls this style.

And RED! Both far right and far let are "hats," which I wear on Shabbat/Holiday evenings.  Just my own special custom.  The one on the far right is an Emanuel.

Both bright red satin are freebies from B'nei Mitvah: top, one I attended recently and loved; bottom, a freebie from my Grandma.

The dragon was purchase from Etsy to match my college T-shirts, which are red.  I love my dragon kippah: so unique!

The red velvet is from my FATHER's Bar Mitzvah--very special--and the flowers is an embroidered Emanuel.

This picture shows the only green I own--from a Bar/Bat (can't recall now) Mitzvah--and to the right is the "Bedtime Kippah" that I wear with pajamas.

And BLUE! I think I have more blue than any other color; it's popular for B'nei Mitzvah freebies.

Far Left: two B'nei Mitzvah freebies, and a HAND EMBROIDERED Emanuel hat, this one part of my college graduation gift!

Second from Left: Emanuel embroidered; passed on from my Grandma, who didn't know where she got it; Bar Mitzvah freebie.

Middle: Bat Mitzvah freebie, Emanuel (and one of my few exceptions to my "no Jerusalem prints" rule), Bar Mitzvah freebie in a material for which I had been yearning.

Second from Right: two Bat Mitzvah freebies (top very swanky and expensive); gift from an ex-boyfriend who was very good to me.

Far Right: one Bat Mitzvah freebie, one Bar Mitzvah freebie.

PURPLE! B'not Mitzvah (plural for twins) freebie; HAND EMBROIDERED (this one a high school graduation gift, and possibly my favorite of entire collection) hat.

Middle: Embroidered Emanuel, Bat Mitzvah freebie.

Right: hand painted silk Emanuel (the other candidate for favorite), Bat Mitzvah freebie.

And finally, the NEUTRALS!

The Left most column are both very special: the top was purchased from Uganda, hand made by the Jewish community there, the Abayudaya.  The bottom is my "Kol Nidre hat," worn only once a year in our holiest moments.

Second from Left: Army issue with "digital" uniforms; Haredi (ultra Orthodox) style bought in Israel.  This was intended to be a joke--me, gender fluid, wearing that--but nobody gets the joke but me.  It is now also the one I wear on most somber Jewish occasions.

Middle: designer Gabrieli; wedding freebie from an ex-boyfriend's sister.

Second from Right: "rainbow chip", as I call it, Emanuel (the one I wear most often); and one from one of my brother's (can't remember which one) Bar Mitzvah.

And finally, a plain gold silk Emanuel.  This is the one I wear to feel closest to God--and no, I can't explain that.

Mezuzot

 A bonus post, in honor of starting the blog, because I couldn't decide on one post for today:

In a Jewish home, it is traditional to hang a mezuzah on our front doorpost, and some people do all doorposts.  I am working on doing my entire apartment; so far I have the outer door (to a hallway, not the outside, or this style wouldn't work) and both bedrooms.  It was important to me to do the bedrooms after the outer door but before anything else inside, as I want anybody sleeping in my home "protected" by a  mezuzah.

So what is a mezuzah? The important part, the ritual bit, is the scroll inside.  On this parchment scroll, written by hand by a scribe, is the Shema prayer: "Hear O Israel, the LORD is God, the LORD is One," and the paragraphs after, about loving God and obedience to God.  It is traditional to reach up, touch the mezuzah, and kiss one's fingers when entering or exiting a room.

The case can be many different styles/materials.  I am a bit of a design snob, for all my Judaica; I collect works by designer Yair Emanuel.  My favorite mezuzah cases are painted wood by this designer.  Pictures of mine below:

Here is my front door.  This one hung on the door of my old apartment, a studio which only required one mezuzah.  This was my "original."

And this is my second, on the door to my bedroom! I normally do not go for Jerusalem themes among my Judaica; but for this mezuzah, I made an exception.  I love the soft, pastel colors here.

And finally, on the door to my guest room! This is actually not the case I picked out; I had chosen a "seven species" (of Israel) theme.  But I didn't catch the mistake till this was already hanging; and it is pretty, nonetheless.
 

Welcome! (And Psalm 91.)

 Welcome!

I go by Gabriel ("God is my Strength") Zadok ("Righteousness"), or just plain Gabe in day-to-day life.  I identify as gender fluid for my gender, with they/them pronouns; and Conservative Jewish, but much more religious than most Conservative Jews, as my religion.  This blog is my place to explore both; and I hope to post daily on something in either category.

For April 21st, I am posting about Psalm 91, my favorite.  Text below, in translation.  (Translation from military siddur, or prayerbook):

"You who dwell in the secret shelter of the most high, abiding in the shadow of the Almighty, I call the Eternal my refuge and fortress, my God in Whom I trust.  For He will save You from the hidden snare, from deadly pestilence; God's wing will cover you and under God's wings you will find refuge.  God's faithfulness is your shield and armor.  Fear not terror by night nor the arrow that flies by day, the pestilence that stalks in darkness nor the plague that rages at noon.  A thousand may fall to your left, and ten thousand to your right, it will never touch you.  You have made the Eternal your refuge, the Most High your haven.  No evil shall befall you; no plague shall approach your dwelling.  God will instruct His angels to guard you in all your paths, to carry you in their hands lest you hit your foot against a stone.  You will step on cubs and cobras, tread safely on lions and serpents.  (God says): "Since he is devoted to me, I will deliver him; I will protect him because he cares for me.  When he calls to me I will answer; I will be with him in times of trouble.  I will rescue him and honor him.  I will satisfy him with fullness of days, and show him my salvation.  I will satisfy him with fullness of days, and show him my salvation!"

What a psalm! What to say about it? (Forgive the undeveloped thoughts, it is 1:00 am.)   Psalm 91 has always been "my" psalm.  My first religion blog (in college, about a decade ago already) was called Carried in His Hands, after this very psalm.  At my Grandpa's funeral (my first Jewish funeral, or funeral of any kind) this psalm was recited, as at all Jewish funerals; and I was connected to my Grandpa in his death as we never had been in his lifetime.  When it came time to shovel dirt over the casket, I even did a bonus shovel full in honor of this psalm.

For me, this psalm neatly covers all the dangers of life and how God delivers from them all.  It's been a meaningful way for me to connect to the God I worship daily.

That is all.